Hoping the sun will come back

Hi all,

Its been a very long time since I wrote on this blog. Since my life has been turbulent the last couple of months, I thought I'd update everyone. Please note that I will be writing about Physical and Mental struggles that some people may find distressing, so please don't read any further if you think it may upset you. I'd also like to say that all of my views are my own, and if you don't agree, that's fine, but please keep your negative views to yourself as I don't think I could cope with criticism. Might sound weird or self centred, but just being honest.

Beginning of 2016

In January 2016, I was struggling both mentally and physically. Anxiety was the main mental problem, and nothing I did was enjoyable anymore. Physically, my hemiplegia was exhausting, my right side was complaining, sick of always doing everything, and my left hip was excruciating, with pain levels of up to 8/10. Enough was enough and my Dr put me on Fluoxetine and my surgeon put me on a waiting list for an arthroscopy to have a look inside my left hip to find out what was going on.

The time before the hip operation was stressful, and having had 4 different dates, an 8 month wait and one on the day cancellation, I wondered if I'd ever get any better. However, I fought hard to come off Fluoxetine and took the decision to manage my mental health without the use of tablets.

August 2016

Finally, on 19th August, I underwent the arthroscopy surgery. Originally, they were expecting a small labral tear, however in reality, my hip was a but of a mess. There was a labral tear, which they did a debridement for, they also released a muscle, shaved the femoral head to get rid of a cam impingement and got rid of a "considerable amount" of scar tissue. I was told that I'd be off my feet for 6 weeks, partial weight bearing. Thankfully, I borrowed a wheelchair for this time, but it got me thinking that I could do with one long term, as it was liberating to get out of the house.

September 2016

Recovery was hard, but by this time was on track. Things were starting to get to normal, I met a baby nephew, and went on holiday. I thought my luck was finally in..... however all was not well. Pain in my left hip was coming back at an alarming rate, and by the time October came, I was on a stick full time and struggling to move.

November 2016

Despite being no better than pre op, mid-November I had to go back to work full time. I have bills to pay and a house to upkeep. I was not by any stretch of the imagination better, but I had no choice.

Along with the health issues, I also had notification that the disability living allowance that I had been receiving was coming to an end, and that I needed to apply for Personal Independence Payment. Let the forms begin. In my opinion, one I still hold, I am much worse than I was at the beginning of 2016 and so I certainly still needed the financial help the benefit provides, along with the car I had received through motability.  We filled in the forms, sent them back and then we waited.

December 2016

At the beginning of the month, I had an appointment with my surgeon, which was an opportunity to ask him about the pain, which at this point, had returned right back to "severe". They concluded that the hip capsule was tightening back up due to my hemiplegia and the mild synovitis that they found during the operation could be causing a problem. More physio and intrajoint injections are needed. To this day, I'm just still on the waiting list.

On 18th December, I also had a PIP assessment. Even with my husband attending with me, it was not a pleasant experience. It was at a Health Centre (gym) near to my home, which was just one hit in the nuts, as I clearly didn't belong there. Along with this, there was no accessible seating and I had 40 minutes having to explain what I couldn't do, over and over again. But it was over, and I could finally concentrate on enjoying Christmas and New Year.

January 2017

The first 2 weeks of January were relatively quiet. But my life was about to change dramatically.

Last Saturday, I had my PIP decision letter, the mobility component is being reduced and I'm therefore losing my car. I'm devastated. I have a mortgage and bills to pay, and I can't get public transport to get to work. Panic set in. But my first port of call was to request the reports from the assessment. If the report was fine and nothing was untoward, I would just have to accept the decisions.  More on in a paragraphs time.

Tuesday, my life again took a tumble, when my beloved guinea pig died of old age, at 6 years old. People may say "it's only a guinea pig" but in reality, he was a great friend and awesome grumpy company. He is already sorely missed, and my life and living room feel bare.

The report came through on Thursday. There are so many anomalies. I have to appeal, even if just to set the record straight. I am not saying I deserve the world, but I can't have a report so factually incorrect on my record.

This week has turned my life upside down. I live in a remote pit village and without a car, I will literally be stuck. I can't get to work, can't get to mums, can't get anywhere. Without my guinea pig, I don't have company at home when my husband is not at home, apart from a hamster who is asleep a lot.

Along with that, and because of this, my anxiety is now through the roof. I'm anxious because I feel judged, by professionals, by friends, by strangers. I can't answer the phone or answer the door. I can't feel happy, and the last 4 days I have felt so sad and can't pull myself together.

Where I go from here I don't know, but I needed to write this blog to get my thoughts out there, and to give anyone reading this the reason why I may be quiet or sad for a while.

Thanks so much for reading if you've got this far. Sorry its not a happy post and thank you for all your support.

Steph xx